POST #164: HOW TO SUCCEED IN THE ART WORLD (by someone who hasn’t)

I’ve been around (not exactly “in”) the art world for an embarrassingly long time and have come up with hard earned words of advice for someone who is trying to make good in the current scene. Even though I wrote this about twenty- five years ago, it seems to still hold true.

1)      Rent or buy a loft in an up and coming artists’ slum. An ‘unfashionable’ address (i.e. the suburbs) is the kiss of death.

2)      Find the cafe where all the artists hang out and spend your free time there.

3)      Show up at every loft party and opening. Try to figure out who is important and talk only to them. Forget friends. They know you already.

4)      Sleep with celebrities – all sexes. Make sure everyone knows about it.

5)      Say and do outrageous things. i.e. Jackson Pollock got lots of mileage out of pissing in a rich patron’s fireplace.

6)      WORK BIG. Bigger is always better. Shows you have “balls”, confidence.

7)      Exhibit at up-and-coming galleries only. (No "has-beens" or "pay to play’s")

8)      Gift a member of the board or staff of a prestigious museum some of your work. He’ll be sure to promote you to increase its value.

9)      Get a National Endowment for the Arts grant; better yet, propose something  outrageous and get the grant revoked (or investigated.)

10) Find out where all the big guys in the art world go for the summer and show up in your shorts.

11)   Get a divorce and marry someone very rich or thirty years younger. 

12)   Leave your original art dealer, the one who gave you your start.

13)  Have a retrospective at the Whitney or MOMA preferably while you’re still alive.

14)  Die and have your ex-spouses, non-functional children, and greedy dealers fight over your estate. Why should you make these losers rich?